The Surprise Link Between Stoicism and “Toxic” Masculinity
A while back I decided I was going to minimize my discussion of “toxic” masculinity, simply because I believe the term is inaccurate and I don’t want to contribute to that erroneous concept. Do men and masculinity have issues? Sure, but naming the issues collectively “toxic” masculinity is a bad approach to address the problem. (I’m still debating other names, such as aberrant male behavior or bankrupt male culture, or obsolete male ideals. ) On the other hand, it becomes difficult to defuse that concept without using its name. This will be one of my few articles on the faulty, misandristic concept of “toxic” masculinity.
One of the issues I’ve found on the wild, crazy internet is the belief that stoicism is responsible for “toxic” masculinity. Is it that simple? Let’s examine this belief, starting with stoicism.
There are a lot of misconceptions about stoicism out there. A LOT. Even the American Psychological Association, when criticising all men, used the term incorrectly. They used a colloquial definition of stoicism, rather than the more precise definition of stoicism as a practice. Sadly it showed their ignorance and demonstrated their position on masculinity had questionable merit. Nonetheless, their position is worth reading about, as it flags many important issues. Moving forward, what are the misconceptions on stoicism? Actually, there is one that is most important.
In general, stoicism is falsely believed to be the repression of emotions, that men should not have feelings. (This is the APA’s interpretation.) That is completely wrong. You read that correctly. Stoicism has nothing to do with repressing emotions, although I can see where some poorly informed people might get confused and go blathering on about that. So what is stoicism?
Stoicism is a philosophy of life, and a philosophy of self management. It has been practiced by the great men (and women) for thousands of years. It goes back before the times of Marcus Aurelius who is credited with writing some of the most important works on stoicism. I can’t discuss it’s history very well, but I have learned a few interesting facts. Many of the great presidents of the U.S. practiced it, (including Barack Obama.) Many of the great inventors like Thomas Edison and Steve Jobs practiced it. Even Alcoholics Anonymous uses elements of stoicism. Have you ever heard of the Serenity Prayer?
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.”
That’s stoic philosophy.
Where people get confused is in this: stoicism encourages a person identify their feelings and emotions, then ask the question, “Does acting on this emotion benefit the situation, or does it hinder my growth?”
If a man practicing stoicism feels intense anger, he won’t act on it because 99.99% of the time acting out of anger provides no benefit and blocks his growth as a human being. If a non-stoic practicing man acts on his anger, then bad things happen.
If a man practicing stoicism feels anxiety and frustration, he will most likely choose to solve the problem causing the anxiety, because that’s the path of growth. If a non-stoic practicing man feels anxiety and frustration, he will tend to act out, criticize, or drink alcohol, do drugs or self medicate to avoid undesirable feelings.
If a man practicing stoicism feels love or attraction, he will probably take action to establish connections with his loved ones (which is a very integrated, feminine thing to do.) If a non-stoic practicing man feels love, he might act on it, or he might turn it into just sex, or some bizarre sexual expression or machismo which makes no sense.
In this is a key aspect that people fail to see: to be stoic, you must first actually feel your emotions, be comfortable with them, and sufficiently in control of them to act appropriately. Saying that stoicism is having no emotions is complete and utter BS.
Have you noticed something important yet?
All human beings need to feel their emotions, understand them, and be competent to deal with them. Yet oh so many people can’t do that.
To be stoic, you must first actually feel your emotions, be comfortable with them, and sufficiently in control of them to act appropriately.
Alcoholics start numbing their emotions, and fall into an addiction trap. The same for drug addicts, even minor marijuana smokers as well as the more serious cocaine and heroin addicts (among many others.) The world has started creating “safe spaces” for the younger generation who can’t handle a minor perceived insult, or perceive offensive by a glance. None of these addicts or easily offended special snowflakes can handle any emotion other than happiness, and the actions they take when these emotions pop up are actions that stunt their growth, or even kill them.
This is a serious problem in society. Where did we go wrong? I don’t know for sure. Maybe it was the psychologists with their “self esteem rallies” in junior high school, or just the fact that we don’t teach emotional intelligence to children and young adults.
To finally address the issue, stoicism has nothing at all to do with the false concept of “toxic” masculinity. Surprise! There is no link! In fact, men practicing stoicism are more in tune with their emotions and much more likely to act appropriately than men holding obsolete male ideals. Maybe stoicism is the answer, not the problem.
I encourage readers to look into stoicism on their own. My description is adequate but not everything. A good starting point is the book “The Obstacle is the Way” by Ryan Holiday.
