Man Up! Men Mis-Reading Maps

When I was younger, in the days before GPS and navigation systems, I learned an interesting driving short cut. When driving through the country and you come across a detour that said “Bridge Out Ahead”, there was no need to take the long detour. Just drive to the last crossroad before the bridge, then take a right, a left, another left and a right. Or the inverse if you decided to start left. Country roads tend to be set on a grid, so this procedure would bypass the bridge and get you on track in the shortest possible distance. Let’s face it; guys love these short cuts. In fact, we have short cuts for everything, from traffic to police codes; from memory tricks and mnemonics to hospital codes. Men like our short cuts, mnemonics and code words, even if sometimes they go astray and we get into trouble.

There are a couple short cuts, or guy codes, that have gotten us in trouble lately. Several of the most troublesome and stereotypical guy codes are “Man up,” “Be a man,” and “Grow a pair”. Some people have suggested that these codes are the root of what is erroneously called toxic masculinity. Why? The answer claims that these codes encourage men to engage in obsolete or damaging male ideals. OK, but what are those supposedly terrible, obsolete ideals? Nobody seems to know for sure.

There’s the problem; nobody knows and everybody is just guessing. Behind every short guy code is a wealth of information. After all, short cuts are called “short” because they shorten up a lot of information. They’re short for something much longer. The route around the bridge is shorter than the detour. If you’re trained in the code, you know that background information. If you’re not trained in the code, then you’re just confused.

An average person listening on a police scanner would probably be perplexed if he heard a code 10-54 called out. If a police officer gets a code 10-54, the officer knows there is livestock on the freeway. If a hospital intercom calls code blue there’s an immediate response from specific individuals who know what to do. You don’t hear the hospital intercom blurt out, “Jenny, get the crash cart, Bill, grab the emergency pharmaceuticals kit, all of you plus Doctor Parvesh, get your asses up to room 323 NOW”. Behind every short cut or code, there is a wealth of information and instructions for those in the know. For the uninitiated it’s just garbage.

At one time, there was a lot of meaning hidden behind our troublesome guy codes. Men, and society in general, have forgotten the meaning behind them. Guys will say “man up” without understanding what it means anymore. Others criticize the codes because they are uninitiated and it sounds like BS to them. We’ve lost our direction as men, and now our short cuts are no good anymore. It’s time to pick up a map and actually read it. Then we can dig up a treasure trove of information and restore meaning to these short guy codes as important and valuable reminders.

Reminders of what? Reminders of the root of healthy masculine ideals.

When you know the information behind the guy code “man up” you’ll understand it can be extensive and profound.

The above bridge short cut has a lot of knowledge and experience behind it. Where is that knowledge and experience for the guy codes? What is the root of healthy masculine ideals? I’ve addressed one solid aspect in The Masculinity Revelation series. I’ve learned one definition of masculinity that stands out that has some real strength behind it. It was revealed to me by renown men’s relationship therapist, Dr. Robert Glover, at a mastermind meeting several years ago. It’s seldom discussed, but I know for me it’s significance hit like a lightning bolt from the heavens. To paraphrase, masculinity is the mindset and behavior associated with a desire to create, to make an impact and to be a masterful actor in the greater world. Or, in short, masculinity is much like mastery.

I’ve addressed the impacts of this definition on both men and women in the series, so let’s just look at its implication for these guy codes.

When you know the information behind the guy code “man up” you’ll understand it can be extensive and profound. “Man up” is an admonition to another guy that he is not master of his situation and needs to change his behavior to a healthier course of action.

Suppose this “friend of a friend” I know has been crying in bed and sulking around the house in his pajamas for a week because his girl friend dumped him. By telling him to man up, you’re giving him the guy code that should tell him he’s not responding to his situation well and needs to do something different.

If you tell a young boy to man up when he’s afraid to jump in the water and learn how to swim, you’re telling him there’s more to this situation for him to master.

“Man up” is an admonition to another guy that he is not master of his situation and needs to change his behavior to a healthier course of action.

The question becomes, “what does a guy need to do to master his situation?” From The Masculinity Revelation , here is my checklist of several things involved in mastery:

1. Honest self assessment;
2. Focusing attention;
3. Learning new skills;
4. Developing resilience, or grit;
5. Seeking the advice of coaches and mentors;
6. Making sacrifices to grow;
7. Conquering fears.

When I tell that guy who is obsessing over his breakup to “man up”, I’m using guy code to tell him to run the mastery checklist. He should:

1. assess his emotional situation and see if it’s helping him or hindering him;
2. check his focus or obsession, and change it;
3. develop some emotional resilience;
4. seek out advice from others, especially if he’s having emotional trouble; and
5. learn to grow into a better person.

When I tell the child who is afraid of the water to “man up”, I’m using guy code to tell him to run the mastery checklist in order to:

1. assess his emotional situation and see if it’s helping him or hindering him;
2. check his focus on the negative possibilities and change to a positive outlook;
3. treat this situation as a skill he needs to learn;
4. recognize he has a teacher and mentor nearby; and
5. overcome his fears.

Now what’s toxic about that? Mastering one’s situation in life is a highly desirable goal. The mastery checklist is a very valuable and helpful tool for everybody seeking to exhibit mastery (even women “putting on their big girl panties”) and telling a guy to man up is not toxic at all in this sense.

Mastering one’s situation in life is a highly desirable goal.

If the guy is uneducated about the meaning of the guy code, then it’s just garbage to him and anybody listening in. If a guy is ignorant of the masculine ideals and the mastery checklist behind this guy code, then saying “man up” can come across as toxic. A man should take care when using a guy code with someone who is not aware of the meaning, especially with young boys and teens.

Ideally, we can start to share this knowledge and experience with other guys. Teaching guys about masculine ideals and mastery is a worthwhile vocation, and makes all men better.

There’s a comic stereotype of men who can’t read maps, get lost and refuse to ask directions (hardly masters of their travels.) Sadly, I think in many cases, men have forgotten their maps and got lost. We’ve lost our direction, and even our short cuts, and guy codes, are no good anymore without the underlying information. It’s time to pick up a road map for masculinity and read it. We need to plot out the nature of masculinity once again, not denigrate it. We need to teach young men the meanings of masculinity, and how to implement it. The only way to rid ourselves and society of toxicity is not to eliminate masculinity, but to agree what it means and have more of the good stuff. We need to “man up” ourselves and become masters of being men. There’s nothing toxic about that.